I can’t believe that finally I use this title for my posting. Yes, I have to let it be. I give up. Five months ago, the last time we met, I had never thought that maybe it would be our last meeting.

Long Distance Relationship is now breaking my heart again. I can’t believe that every thing’s changed so quickly, much faster than I thought. You’ve changed, a lot. I tried to remind you about that but u can’t see it. You always blame me for every protest I’ve made.

It’s so hurt when you have no time for me while I know u have time for others.

It’s so hurt when you are always angry to me while u keep laughing to others.

It’s so hurt when u don’t remember me while u remember others.

It’s so hurt when I know nothing about u but others do.

It’s so hurt when I can’t call u ‘mas’ in public, but others can.

It’s so hurt when I have to know about u from the media, not from u personally.

It’s so hurt when I have to understand u but u don’t even try to understand me.

It’s so hurt when I need u but u are never there for me.

It’s so hurt hearing u say rude words to me.

It’s so hurt when I realize that I love u this much, even up to now.

I miss every thing we had done before u changed. I miss ur jokes before it’s turned to be angriness. I miss ur big attention, when we were on the phone almost every day. I miss the time when we shared every thing in our lives. Where have all those things gone? Why can’t I feel it now?

The worst thing is I remember u for every thing I do in my live, I remember u at any place I go, and I remember u every night before sleeping. All have been so much unforgettable. And one more thing, I still charge and carry my special phone and hope it’ll be ringing again someday.

Such a hard time for me. I can’t do anything but let it be. Good luck for us, mas.

My father, eleven days ago (22 November 2008) celebrated his 60th birthday. The time for him to be gone into retirement. My sisters said my father loves me much more than to other kids. No doubt about that coz I also can feel it. He always tries his best to give me what I want. He always takes me to any places that I want to visit. My father had been working so hard to make me and my sisters having a better life than his life. My father grew up in an unhappy family. He doesn’t want us to be suffered like he was.

My mother, she never gets angry to me, always be so patient, and always cares me seems like I am just a little girl. One thing she always do for years is making a glass of chocolate milk for me every morning. I miss it a lot.

Now, after all things that my parents do for me, what have I done for them? Have I ever made them happy? All I can do is just grumble. Always feel that I’m the most suffer girl in the world. Always feel that my problem is the heaviest problem in the family. When my sisters are competing to help my parents, I’m here just adding their burden. What an unforgiveable daughter I am!

Now, knowing that they’re facing problems but I can’t do anything hurts me deeply. It’s so hurt realizing they look old faster than it should be. Crying everyday doesn’t help at all but I can’t avoid my tears falling down. God please help me. Give me chances to help them, give me opportunities to make them happy, show me the way to make them smile.

Papa, Mama, I love you so much. Wait me, this daughter will go home soon.

Two months, one month, three weeks, two weeks … everyday count down the days which seem go faster than before. Many things passing by my brain and my heart. He’ll leave me soon. Can’t think how my life will be. Nowadays I think nobody but him. All I want to do now is spend my time with him, talk to him about every thing and also to see his face and hear his voice.

In these days he gives me many advices to be a better person. He encourages me to have more self confidence which had broken for years. He fulfills my life with happiness and fixes my broken heart (but I think it will be broken again soon). He is my VIP now. Although he promised to keep in touch with me but it won’t be the same. He walks away, distance always kills me, and then I have to realize that he is not mine.

I wish that day wouldn’t come, I wish he could always be here with me, I wish I wish I wish … then I don’t know what I want now. Just enjoy the few times I have with him. Just enjoy the happiness he gives me. Enjoy every hour, every minute, and every second that we spend together. I hate farewell because I love him.

Today when I was looking for a book, I found a file folder accidentally. This folder contains my collection when I was a high school girl.

The funniest thing is I found my friends’ words about me. It was written on 18 May 1998 (ten years ago, oh God how old I am now!!)  There were 5 girls making a group. We felt like spice girls and I became the “scary spice” just because I had curly hair (past tense coz now not anymore hehe)! so  funny… Miss u all girls…

These are their comments about me:

“Kita langsung dapat mengenali enno walaupun lihatnya dari monas. Dia paling ajaib di antara kami. Badannya KURUS, rambutnya KERITING, beda sama anggota yang lain. Yang paling khas dari enno adalah jerawatnya. Enno juga heboh dan BAIK.” (Hannie)

“Enno itu pengertian BAIK banget, bisa dipercaya. Tapi sekarang tambah gokil. Centil sih nggak amat-amat. Cuek, unik, terlambat melulu (bangun jam berapa no?), suka males bawa buku ke sekolah, suka bercanda apalagi kalau ketemu evi serasa dunia milik berdua.” (Julia)

“Enno itu orangnya KURUS, BAIK banget, centil, gokil, gila, error, suka banget cuap-cuap. Gayanya…cuek banget, tukang telat, lucu, item manis, culun, etc (tidak dapat diungkapkan dengan kata2),” (Evi)

“Enno tuh anggota keluarga terKURUS, terKERITING dan terBAIK. Suka ‘momong’, dewasa, gokil, cuek, idenya cemerlang, jerawatnya banyak tapi kayanya banyakan evi deh. Suka ngajak gue and evi ngeceng ke perpustakaan walaupun akhirnya malu-maluin.” (Zule)

The main points are I was kind, thin and curly hehehe.. Have I changed now? Hmm I guess so. I am ten kilograms heavier, I straighten my hair but about being kind ….yes I am still kind until now hihihi..  wanna prove? Just come and being my friend.
Luv ya..

It has been almost a year, quite long for a long distance relationship. Now I feel a bit tired because I have no idea to what will happen with this relationship in the future, still blank have no imagination about that, at all..!

You are far away from me. I have nobody when I’m sad, when I’m lonely, when I need support or when I am sick. We quite often to keep in touch by phone, chat or sms, all efforts to keep this relationship well, but I need you more than that. When I feel suffer, I sometimes hide it from you, I didn’t want to make you worry about me. I don’t want to add burden on your shoulders, just want to make you happy.

I always try to be loyal, endeavor not to cheat. Couple times I nearly made domestic relationships, although then they were failed. But few months ago another man came to me and gave me attention, knocking my heart. I’m falling in love. Does it mean I cheat? I feel different, I feel so happy when I meet him. This new man makes my life beautiful, gives me more spirit. I often feel so confused and don’t know what to do. I don’t have any special relationship with him because I have one out there, but every day I’m waiting to meet him, he makes my days nice.

When I again think about our relationship then I feel worried. I often thought, if I could fall in love to another man, why can’t u? Then I started asking you, investigated you, whether you have another special woman or not. Then our relationship was  in trouble, we started to argue to each other. I felt so sorry; I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was so worried you fall in love to another just like me. I know I am so selfish, but I am really confused. I love him and you.

When I asked you, what we should do with this relationship, you did never answer me. You questioned me back. You always wait me to decide. Honey, I really have no idea. I even don’t know that I can meet you again or not. It’s so tiring, don’t you think so? We need to do much more sacrifice to make our dream come true, but I am afraid I can’t do that.
Should I let you go?

Still love you..

He is really a good man. My heart was not wrong to choose him as my love. Some friends sometimes ask me what reasons that make me want to be with him and keep doing LDR. When I answered them, then they continue asking with this annoying question “are you sure?” And I proudly answered, “yes, I am sure”.

One time, I had a chance to know him better. And my heart was not wrong to feel his kindness, his wisdom, and his patience. Those days I really feel being loved, being respected, and being served well. I can see his efforts to make me happy, and I really appreciate it.

One day, he proposed me. How happy I was. One thing that touches my heart is that he will do whatever I asked him to do to make our dreams come true, even to sacrifice his belief. He promised to make me happy. But, all bad possibilities came to my head that prevented me to say yes.

God please help me to decide. I’m really confused and don’t know what to decide.

Thee haak khong khoy, koy haak jao, koy torng karn jao, koy kid hod jao..

La tee sa vat, khob jai lai lai

二 零 零 七 年， 是 我 的 忘 不 了 的 年。 今 年 我 二 十 五 岁 了。 已 经 成 年 者 了。 有 很 多 事 情 在 这 年 里 发 生。 最 幸 福 的， 最 辛 苦 的 都 有。 这 年 里 我 得 到 了 很 多 幸 运， 也 得 到 了 很 多 晦 事。有 很 多 笑 也 很 多 泪 。

工 作 上 ,
今 年 是 我 第 一 次 会 去 外 国。 我 的 单 位 给 我 一 个 机 会 在 澳 洲 学 习 英 文， 给 我 很 多 也 很 美 的 经 验。 那 就 是 梦 想 成 了 现 实 吗 ？不 是 。因 为 我 根 本 没 有 梦 过 这 件 很 美 丽 的 事 情 。

爱 情 事 ，我 见 到 了 一 个 很 好 的 男 生 可 是 很 遗 憾， 我 们 俩 的 故 事 不 会 持 续。 我 爱 他 ，跟 他 分 手 真 是 使 我 很 伤 心。 现 在 我 已 经 好 多 了。 最 后 ，我 喜 欢 了 别 的 男 生可 是 我 觉 得 我 们 的 故 事 也 不 会 持 续， 因 为 我 们 俩 有 很 多 差 别。 虽 然 如 此， 我 还 爱 他。我 不 知 道 我 跟 他 的 关 系 还 有 没 有 希 望 。

友 谊 事， 今 年 我 认 识 了 很 多 新 朋 友。 那 件 事 使 我 很 高 兴 。可 是 今 年 有 两 个 好 朋 友 离 开 我。第 一 个 是 我 在 大 学 的 同 学。我 们 是 好 朋 友。去 年 我 们 一 起 过 年 。现 在 呢 ，没 有 了。到 现 在 我 也 不 知 道 她 的 道 理 ， 为 什 么 离 开 我 ？我 对 她 不 好 吗 ？根 本 不 知 道 ，使 我 糊 涂 。第 二 个 是 男 生。我 认 识 他 一 年 前 。他 对 我 很 好 。很 遗 憾 他 说 他 的 女 朋 友 不 喜 欢 我 。他 就 离 开 我 ，不 要 再 当 我 的 朋 友。 虽 然 我 已 经 劝 导 他 可 是 他 还 离 开 我。我 会 做 什 么 呢 ？ 其 实 我 真 是 很 爱 他 们。这 件 事 使 我 很 伤 心 和 难 过。

父 母，我 知 道 我 对 你 们 不 太 好 。我 做 了 很 多 错 误，可 是 相 信 我，我 真 的 要 使 你 们 开 心。原 谅 我 的 错 误 ，也 谢 谢 你 们 已 经 好 好 地 保 护 我。

上 帝，我 也 对 您 不 好 。我 开 心 的 时 候 ，我 总 是 忘 记 您。 我 伤 心 的 时 候 ，我 就 归 咎 您。真 是 不 好 的 我。请 您 原 谅 我 和 多 谢 因 为 您 已 经 给 我 很 美 丽 的 日 子。

二 零 零 八 年， 我 真 是 很 希 望 我 的 日 子 会 更 好。没 有 哭，没 有 伤 心，天 天 很 快 了。我 也 希 望 我 会 当 了 更 好 的 女 生 ， 更 好 的 女 儿 ， 更 好 的 老 师 ，更 好 的 学 生 ，更 好 的 下 属，更 好 的 妹 妹 ，更 好 的 阿 姨 ，更 好 的 朋 友 ，反 正 当 了 更 好 的 人 类 。阿 门 。

祝 大 家 新 年 快 乐 ， 年 年 有 余 ，心 想 事 成 ！

One day you accused me of having an affair with another man, a married man, that made you jealous. I already explained to you that nothing’s special between me and him. Although you knew that it’s not true and you knew that I don’t like to talk about this matter, but still, you said that thing repeatedly. Three days ago I lost my patience and got angry to you. It was a rude and disrespectful accused. Then what did you say? You said that you were joking and accused me again of looking for a reason to stop talking to you. The thing that makes me so hurt now is because I love you (you knew it very well), but I still can’t understand how dare you to say that to me. I’m sure you didn’t mean to hurt me but you did.

I’m trying to find out, what’s exactly going on here? Then I think that maybe our limit of making a joke is not the same. I’m trying to understand and respect you, and I really hope that you do the same thing to me. “Treat someone like you want to be treated”. I know we’re not perfect and have so many weakness but at least we can try. Hope we can learn from all our mistakes that we’ve done in the past to be better people with a better relationship in the future (If you still want to hear my opinion). Good luck for us.

I miss you, I love you and I respect you.

“Cara kita mengatakan sesuatu, sebaik apapun maksudnya, bila tanpa menghitung hati lawan bicara, maka hasilnya hanya rasa sakit hati.” (Editor’s note Chic magazine 22-III)

What does the word “Love” mean?  Based on Collins English
Dictionary, (2006) Love has several meanings. These are four of them:

1. If you love someone, you feel romantically or sexually attracted to them, and they are very important to you.

2. Love is a very strong feeling of affection towards someone who you are romantically or sexualy attracted to.

3. You say that you love someone when their happiness is very important to you, so that you behave in a kind and caring way towards them.

4. Love is the feeling that a person’s hapiness is very important to you, and the way you show this feeling in your
behaviour towards them.

Just wondering,  why do many people can say the word  “Love” easily? Do they know exactly what it means? Because what they do doesn’t reflect the meaning of this word at all. Or maybe they do not care about that. Silly.

(June 2007, when all the silly things happened).

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That’s what i feel now…so empty…